When Will I Stop Hurting? Healing from the Loss of Someone You Loved

by | Dec 27, 2017 | Gifts from the Heart

After her father’s death, Rebecca Wesson searched for an outlet for her grief. Newly transplanted from New York to Santa Clarita, she found that friends and family weren’t prepared to help her cope with the confusion, depression and aloneness that followed.
“I think people meant well when they tried to help me, but they just didn’t know what to say,” she said. “Some of the things I heard were hurtful.”
She eventually discovered Grief Recovery – and it changed her life. “It really helped me get to the root of the pain and unresolved issues,” said Wesson, a speech pathologist.
The Grief Recovery counselor was Jeff Zhorne, MA, director of The Grief Recovery Program. Zhorne says recovery from loss is based on finishing unfinished emotional business in a relationship with someone living or not living. “It’s a way to say good-bye to the pain, confusion and loneliness,” he said.
Zhorne is personally acquainted with loss. His two children, Jeremy, 4, and Amelia, 1½, died in a traumatic auto accident in 1991. Like so many others drowning in grief and depression, he didn’t know where to turn.
“I went on missions to feel good to escape the painful devastation,” he recounted. “But my personal life spiraled down with the loss of my marriage, loss of my career and loss of health.”
Zhorne continued: “I looked everywhere for help. I read everything. Trouble was, most books either told me how I was feeling (I already knew!) or offered advice for getting through the day. I needed some real help.”
He tried to intellectualize his grief and think his way out of depression. “But you can’t fix a broken heart with your head,” he said. “People told me, ‘You gotta let go and move on.’ Let go of what and move on to where?”
Zhorne said he finally came to the point where he had to recover or die. After stints with therapists and support groups, he stumbled on to the process of Grief Recovery. “There I learned that I had been building a relationship with my pain. But I didn’t have to accept my pain as a permanent condition or build my identity around it.”
Working through the deaths of his children, step-by-step, getting more and more complete, he no longer found himself stuck in wishing things had been different, better or more.
Zhorne believes that recovery starts by being able to freely express all the thoughts and emotions connected with loss. Maybe it’s regret, which is often associated with loss, or grieving the loss of unrealized hopes, dreams and expectations.
“If you are tired of temporary pain relief, tired of quenching in and want to expand your life and relationships, Grief Recovery provides a way to finish unfinished emotional business and move beyond loss. It provides the correct tools,” Zhorne said.
Added Wesson: “I still miss my father very much, but I am now able to cherish fond memories of him and remember him for the way he lived.”

The Grief Program is offering a free community presentation on the tools and skills needed for working through significant emotional loss of any kind at 7 p.m., Tuesday, Jan. 16, at the Education Center, Christ Lutheran Church, 25816 N. Tournament Road.
For more information, call The Grief Program at 661-733-0692.

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